23 and 26 are two completely different timelines (another lil rant)
im coping
time is passing by so fast that i genuinely feel like the past just isn't like...real
hai guys im emi :D
this is a rant blog!
well like idk if it can be considered a rant cuz like I'm not mad or anything but I learned long long ago that it's not good to bottle up any strong feelings or emotions, no matter how negative, positive, or neutral! So I'm just gonna talk! I have some thoughts!!
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All roads lead to emi getting old
As we have been getting back into the brand new marching season as of late, the fact that I'm/am going to be a senior has been genuinely insane to me. I look around everywhere, whether that be my home, the blacktop, or the bandroom, and I constantly see and hear things that reaffirm that. Like uh NO?? I'm still a freshman! I just got into marching band! Wake up, it's 2023! Leadership responsibilities, adulthood, bigger problems? WHAT are you talking about?? Come on, Tyler is gonna teach us some new choreo for part 5!
freak man
Like what do you mean the same person who joined the saxes scared, nervous, and alone, is the SAME person that is now a section leader, courageous, confident, and surrounded by love??? WHAT DO YOU MEANNN the same person who marched Timeless alll those years ago is now marching a BRAND new show that's COMPLETELY different from any of the THREE. THREEEE PREVIOUS SHOWS SHE MARCHED???
what do you MEAN i marched three shows?? WHAT? i SWEAR i could have SWORN it was just Timeless!! Just Timeless and this one! It just feels so surreal. It genuinely feels like my time is running thin, and that I am going to expire soon. Which is true in a way! I'm not a piece of food so I can't expire...till I'm like 100 years old, but I'm going to expire soon in the sense that like..
im leaving
forever
My time in the Sound of Thunder Marching Band is no longer as vast as I once thought it was. Almost everybody who I have marched Timeless with has either graduated, quit, or is now currently a senior. We are a near extinct species. I look around and I see that most people are those from the Breathe and Light Within shows now...and I catch myself genuinely being like "what??" Because again, it's surreal. Part of my brain I guess just can't accept the fact that almost ALL the Timeless people are gone. After this year, there will be NONE of us left in the program and the people from Breathe and Light Within will begin wearing thin just as we did.
I'm a senior
Isa's a senior
Nick's a senior
Ed is gone
Ben and Adrien are gone
Ash is a junior
All the 7th graders from when I was an 8th grader are juniors.
they are going to graduate soon
im going to graduate sooner
who will i be after that?
I won't be able to lead a sax section anymore. I won't be able to train and mentor new members and watch them grow up with pride anymore. I won't be able to run sectionals, start up socials, form new bonds with people that play the same instrument as myself, and I won't be able to be in the same program as them. I really wish I could! If I could be there for the senior years of all my freshman saxes, I so would. And who knows? Maybe I will actually get the chance to come on down to soflo during 2030 and say my congratulations! I know I'll be long gone, but I want to come back and see them all grown up. And I'll happily then be able to say that I had the honor of being apart of their journey.
Who will I be without a room full of friends, instructors, and parents that I have known for YEARS on end? What will I do without my underclassmen friends? How will I be able to alleviate the pain of leaving them behind? LMFAOOO
HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE SENIOR NIGHT??
I have cried enough at nearly all the senior nights I've experienced. I cried my freshman year when I realized my old section leader and genuinely my current role model and inspiration, Ben, was going to graduate.
i didn't really cry my sophomore year lmao
I cried my junior year when I realized that Ed and Oli, my friends ever since middle school who have seen me through oh so many phases of life, were going to leave soon.
I am going to cry this year
and it will not be because im going to miss myself lol lmao why would i im always with myself
but it's because i believe the pain and sadness of those who will miss me will hit me like a truck
im self aware and I have built up so many meaningful friendships and relationships throughout my time and the marching band so I can confidently say for sure that yes, I will have people crying for me. This is kind of a fact instead of a guarantee if I'm basing off of how underclassmen friends like Ash and Patsy have gotten at the mere mention of me being a senior. I remember being in their shoes, I remember being so distraught that my favorite upperclassmen were leaving for college and realizing that it's time that I step up and become a role model for others.
its a circle of life!
it's actually really crazy how far I've come. I don't think freshman emi would believe senior emi like at ALL right now. I think if we met, she would have immediately admired and looked up to me more than anything. I wanted to be a section leader and a role model for others for as long as I have been in band, and the grind truly, TRULY started my freshman year. I was absolutely set on rehearsing and performing the best I could, so I could impress my section leaders, my friends, and most of all, myself. Even during my freshman year of marching band, I still faced so oh so many difficulties and frustrations and moments where everything just seemed so dark and hopeless and just full of dread. I doubted myself, I hated myself, I beat myself up, but I still, yet still, came out on top.
in the case of freshman emi, coming out on top didn't even mean winning 1st place at FMBC or becoming an immediate pro, oh no! To her, it meant becoming better. Not just a better player, but also a person. In the beginning of the 2023 season, my section leaders passed out a bunch of little papers to us during a sectional and told us to write down on the back of those papers what we wish to accomplish by the end of the season. At the end, we all gathered around them and read our wishes to ourselves, and freshman emi was delighted that hers came true :] She became better. She pushed and pushed and PUSHED OH MY GOSH SHE PUSHED and showed everybody what's up!
Becoming better obviously didn't stop at all my freshman year of course. But back then, my story, my determination, persistence, and absolute drive to be the best I could just hit SO different. I was SO passionate about what I was doing and in the end, I ended up not regretting marching band one bit. Idk it might have just been the 2023 air, times were truly different (pun intended again).
Now the determination and drive I have to keep on going and to keep on becoming better no matter what is very much still here today, but now that the air is different, now that I'm getting older, and now that there are brand new people and roles in my section, that determination and drive feels more mature. It feels different. So different that I could say 23 and 26 are two completely different timelines (AHAHHAHAH SHE SAID THE THINGY). Again, I just can't believe I'm in the same body as I was back then with freshman emi, you know? Like she was me, I was her! She went through BULLSHIT and i STILL go through bullshit! Just in a more mature manner now! I have grown and learned so much throughout the years that I now know how to properly persevere through any situation that life may throw at me. I have learned and grown so much throughout the years PERIOD that I genuinely sometimes feel like my past self was NOT real. Or my past all together for that matter.
Timeless HAPPENED
Freshman emi EXISTED, she was crazy, she was outspoken, she was rowdy, she was insanely awkward, and she was socially inept.
All the events that occurred in my life during Timeless, HAPPENED.
it ALL happened. EVERYTHING. ALL THAT IM THINKING ABOUT RIGHT. NOW.
It's not fake
Timeless was never fake
It was always super real
and I marched it
my closest friends marched it
my section leaders, all the graduated seniors
MARCHED IT
My school, MARCHED IT
It feels so far away. It all does. All the events, the love, the loss, the hate, the situations, the the EVERYTHING. It's just so far away! And I don't think I can ever properly wrap my head around that! At this point it feels like a dream. I catch myself thinking about how the band used to be, how everything used to be during the most random and sudden moments at rehearsals present day. I shake my head and partially reject the fact that it was all real.
i was a freshman
i was a rookie
how???
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emi when she grows up
LMFAOOO im convinced my brain cannot process everything that i have went through properly and that results in denial as i continue to grow up.
Thank you for listening...? Thank you for being here :D I had to let this out! I love processing my life and stuff
anyway i gotta go to bed now because i got some more marching to do tomorrow! See you all supa soon :] Again, muchas gracias los amo mucho <3 chau
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